Don: I suppose you’ll all think this blog site has gone to pot, but there’s just something that has been "doing a number" on me (in a way of speaking) for some time now and the urge to sort-of eliminate it all from my system has finally come to a head. So, here goes. What is with the toilets over here? Even back in the states, it has seemed to me that designers of toilets just have way too much time on their hands or maybe they just get cranky from having so much time when their work suffers from, well, serious irregularity!

I have several complaints about these "necessary rooms." To start with, why can’t there be a common name for these places? How do you finish the question that begins…"Excuse me, but can you tell me where the ________is?" Do you ask for the bathroom, the toilet, the toilette, the bagno, the loo, the water closet, the W.C. or what? I hate it when you really have to go and you finally ask a proprietor where the bathroom is and he/she doesn’t understand. Then you have to try to figure out how to explain what it is that you want! When you are asking directions to the bus station, you can use gestures to illustrate, but in this situation, that’s a kind-of awkward way out of the dilemma.

Once you get into these rooms, another whole array of problems confronts you. The first issue is just to understand what the equipment before you actually is because here in Europe it can be something you’ve never in your life laid eyes on! I’ve seen some that were no taller than a Chihuahua. Why, just the other day, I left my room in the morning fairly early, so by the time I had reached the train station, my bowels were saying that they had waited long enough and it was time for me to pay them some attention. I was directed to an unattractive and smelly place thankfully some meters from the station. The section with the urinal was free, but entrance into the inner sanctum required a coin. I had no choice. I paid my money and was allowed to enter. You won’t believe what I saw – or more accurately, what I didn’t see! There was nothing inside but something that looked a lot like a white ceramic paint roller tray imbedded in the concrete floor! Midway back the thing was a hole not much bigger than a corn cob! Can you believe that they actually expect a man to squat over a thing like that while he tries to keep his trousers and underwear from touching the foul floor and at the same time keep an eye on the hole and aim for it? I still cannot believe that I PAID for the privilege!

You might think that after you had struggled to find the proper location, then strained your brain to figure out how to use the equipment that your problems would be solved. Not a chance! Bathroom designers are much too devious a lot to let you off the hook so easily. There’s the matter of flushing! In Europe, you never know where you’re going to find some devise that will flush your toilet. The whole idea of actually flushing must be so embarrassing that they stay up nights figuring out more obscure and baffling devices to flush with. They are seldom so obvious as to be on the tank where the water is stored. They can be on the floor or on the wall, behind the toilet, above it, or under it. They can be a hook, a rope, a chain, or a button designed to look as much as possible like the buttons that call the maid. They can be camouflaged into the design of the tank, over your head or replaced by one of those wonderful new sensors that are designed to flush every time you turn the page on the newspaper you’ve taken in to read. The most amazing of all are the new "spritzers" that are supposed to disinfect the toilet after every use, but seldom have the patience to wait until you are actually out of range. In Harrad’s in London, they actually had assistants assigned to their luxury bathrooms to answer any questions patrons might have. What a great idea, but why hire people like that in England where everything is logical and proper? The problem could be solved if only the Brits would just send a few of those guys to Italy where they are actually needed!

I’m sorry if all of this caused you consternation, but I just had to get it out of my system. I feel better already.